The Emotional Cold

This post is actually a month or so old.  I waited to publish it until I had a little more time to see where my experiment would lead.  So anyway.  These are my writings from the end of July:  


Before I start, I should say that this post based solely on my feelings and perceptions I have felt this week.  It should NOT be used as medical advice, or anything of the sort.  That's all. :)

This week I've begun tapering off my depression pills.  I've actually been taking these FOREVER.  (As in, since the end of 2010.  A long time.  At least for me.)   I'm very blessed in that I never had very serious depression, but I did have a mild version.  Things that used to be fun weren't fun anymore, I had thoughts of hopelessness and worthlessness, and I was super anxious.  One example I can remember is I was walking home from class and started walking toward the gym.  But maybe, I thought, that wasn't the "right" choice.  So I literally u-turned around and headed towards the library.  No, I thought, I want to work out...maybe I'm "supposed" to go right now.  And if I don't follow this, I'll be a bad person if I don't.  So I u-turned again.  (Like, I actually remember turning around a couple times.)  I did this a few times until I was totally confused, and I hadn't studied or gone to the gym.

Anyway, probably about two years ago my doctor determined I was okay and gave me permission to try tapering off whenever I wanted to and felt ready.  Aaaand, I've tried a couple times and then I get too scared and I stay on it.  The first day I taper is so hard.  And that's always scared me enough to stay on the full dose every day.

I took a psychiatric nursing class last semester and learned that sometimes depression will only last a couple years.  That I might find I'm all better if I give my brain a chance to produce serotonin on its own.  I've prayed, sought medical guidance and...

I decided to give coming off a real chance.

During this week of tapering off,  I've kind of remembered what it felt like during that time in my life: a cold.  Just one of those routine colds you get during the winter that has your nose stuffed up and your head a little congested.

Like a cold, the way I feel isn't obvious to other people.  When in social settings I'm able to do what is expected.  I smile at those talking to me, laugh along to jokes, and participate in conversations.  Unless I tell someone what I'm feeling, nothing appears to be wrong.  And in reality, I'm functioning wonderfully.  The only problem is that I  just feel a little bit . . .off.

My spirit feels a little heavier, and frustrations have a little bit more playing time on the stage of my mind.  I'm feel myself drawn inward instead of my usual tendency to look outward.

But like a cold, distraction helps me forget I'm even feeling weird.  Exercise helps too.

Like a cold, these symptoms spike at night.  Especially in dreams.  I've found myself waking up surprisingly distraught after seemingly normal dreams of school cafeterias or math class.  (Yes.  Most of my dreams occur in high school.  Or at Lagoon.  It's weird.)

I'm moving very very slowly.  (3/4 a pill the first week, 1/2 a pill the second week, 1/4 the third week.)  My hope is that my brain will figure itself out and realize that it can do what the pill was previously doing.

And you know what?!  So far, so good. :)

Sunday was difficult, but after that, this week hasn't even been bad.  The only difference is I feel a little bit moody in the evening.

We'll see what happens, and if this ends up being the wrong, I'm 100% willing and ready to go back on the medication.

Finally, let's finish with something from Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel."  Because it's just good.

Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve it. It is simply always there.”  Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.